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Dude, Quit Telling Me About Your Smoking Hot Wife

It’s happening a lot lately. Young evangelical guys writing Facebook updates saying things like, “Date night with my smoking hot wife,” or pastors who can’t mention their wives without mentioning their looks and attractiveness.

Every time I see it, I get annoyed but I wasn’t sure why. So I reached out on Twitter to see if I was the only one who felt that way.

I was amazed at how many responses I received. Here are some a few that really moved me.

I honestly hadn’t thought about this aspect. Women, who culture has already made self conscious about their looks and body image made more anxious in their place of worship.

We gather together to worship. It’s the one place where we should be focused on the things we have in common. It’s wrong to allow ourselves to be divided by the qualities that culture places so much value in, whether it’s our tax brackets or our how we look.

I know the argument would be that she’s your wife and you’re doing nothing wrong by glorying in her beauty. That may be true—it’s also prudent to have a retirement plan, but there’s never any reason to share how much is in your 401k from the pulpit.

The truth is what you’re trying to communicate and what is being heard isn’t always the same. Constant comments about your wife’s appearance can make some women wonder if they’re ever going to be good enough or pretty enough to find a mate. It tells them, “When it comes to relationships, the things valued by Christian men are no different than the things valued by any men.”

Another consideration that needs to be made is how a publicly objectified wife must feel. Are her looks the most important thing in your relationship? I have read many Christian marriage books that would say so—that place the onus on wives to stay attractive to keep their potentially wayward husbands in line.

When your spouse’s attraction is always communicated in terms of physical attractiveness, how does every new grey hair, wrinkle, or extra pound feel? What about the potential of an accident that might alter her appearance?

What does the constant focus on mommy’s looks communicate to a daughter about her own value?

Compliments and Christian Self-Aggrandizement

My feelings are that this phenomenon has nothing to do with our wives at all. We know what’s valued by others in the church and having a blemish-free, beautiful family increases how “godly” we look.

I always feel like males who constantly need to tell everyone how much they desire their wives are looking for something else. It tells other men that they should be jealous of their incredible relationship and says to women, “Look at how much I adore my wife—aren’t I a great catch?”

https://twitter.com/MitchRoush/status/419325768171147264

We all want you to have a good relationship! Tell her every day that she’s beautiful (without neglecting other wonderful characteristics), but don’t tell us. All you need to do to convince us how you feel is shown to us in how you treat her.

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56 Comments Post a comment
  1. Rev #

    Seems to be about the pastor’s ego. “See what a great guy I am because I have such a hot wife. See what I can attract?” Had a Jewish uncle whose wife was extremely plain. He told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world. And to him, she was. Humans are a whole package, not just skin or proportional beauty. I know some very plain women who are absolutely ‘beautiful.’ Because they are.
    So how much more that comes from these guys mouths is just ego?

    January 4, 2014
    • Some of the most beautiful people are the ugliest as well.

      January 4, 2014
  2. My feelings are similar to the other women who’ve posted because I wouldn’t be considered smoking hot by any stretch. And another part of me is suspicious of any man who brags about his sex life and/or partner, like he can’t get it up or he’s gay.

    January 4, 2014
  3. Fly on too many walls #

    Some of these people are covering up their erectile dysfunction caused by remnants of guilt trips brain washed into them by purity culture.

    January 4, 2014
    • Come On Man #

      Erectile dysfunction from saying ‘my wife is smoking hot’? Weird and dumb comment!

      January 5, 2014
  4. Jennifer Kennedy #

    I attended a sermon where a pastor and his wife spoke about a book they wrote (co-wrote??) called Beauty FULL. I liked the idea of the sermon because it focused on a person’s inner beauty and how that can make people look genuinely beautiful. Also, they went on to talk about spending time and effort cultivating one’s inner self. However, the whole message just fell flat and seemed disingenuous as they were both dressed to the nines, covered in expensive jewelry and thick make-up and appearing to have plastic surgery. It was just so gross.

    January 4, 2014
  5. thecampwhisperer #

    I find it really interesting how my emotions change drastically depending on the specific words a pastor uses. I hear “smoking hot” and “drop dead gorgeous” and it repels me. I hear “beautiful” and “lovely” and “stunning” and I hear a man who wants to compliment his wife every chance he has. I don’t know if that’s how I should think, but I do. Interesting to contemplate…

    January 4, 2014
  6. Whatever happened to the spirit of modesty. Calling attention to your wife’s smoking hot body is an invitation to immodesty.

    January 4, 2014
  7. Listen #

    I agree with this for all the reasons mentioned in the post, AND, it totally reduces women to nothing but their looks. As if the only thing their wives have to offer is their hotness, and the ego boost it gives the men. Whenever I see this (which is often, lots of pastor friends), I wonder, do they respect their wife? Value her perspective and thoughts and intelligence? Or is she just a hot accessory, there to make them feel good, make meals and raise their kids?

    January 4, 2014
  8. The temptation to publicly declare wife’s hotness, though intended to be helpful or encouraging, ends up feeding the giant pink elephant of pastor’s pride that we don’t address enough. Not to mention how it affects those listening and the wife herself. This is simply another sad yet classic case of the church misusing good intention and saying the wrong thing.
    We all can do better.
    Also: Thanks, Jayson, for featuring my Tweet!

    January 4, 2014
  9. SingingOwl #

    Agreed with many comments. Not about the wife at all, but about the guy’s pride, or his need, or his ability to land a trophy. Such comments make me deaf to anything of real value such a person might say. And, really….is this what they want all the men to think about? Kind of sick on multiple levels.

    January 4, 2014
  10. Orthodox Ruminations #

    Reblogged this on Orthodox Ruminations.

    January 4, 2014
  11. andydoerksen #

    Great post, Jayson. I haven’t heard this myself, but yeah, it sounds bizarre, impure, and off-putting.

    January 4, 2014
  12. Great post, Jayson. Leaders need to be gently called out on this. And thanks for including my tweet 🙂

    January 4, 2014
  13. It is important to remember that facebook is not a diary, it’s a billboard and will always be subject to public scrutiny. That being said I don’t have a problem with someone exclaiming that their wife is hot in public, so long as it is not excessive. This is because the main purpose of saying such a thing (should be) for the edification of ones wife. My wife wants to know that I still think she’s got it, and sometimes that means letting others know as well. I’m not concerned with making all the already insecure females feel more so. For my responsibility is that of the security of my own wife.

    Also, I think that we have really gone too far with criticizing anyone for when they say something for the fact that they didn’t say everything. If I say my wife is hot (and she most certainly is to me, even after 3 children.) It does not mean that I don’t find her intelligent (much smarter than I), or godly, or valuable. Just because one says something good about one attribute does not mean that he has forgotten the rest.

    As for some, it’s hard to say what the real reason for this may be. I knew a pastor that would constantly do this and yes it was a bother, but they are divorced now so I guess that should be a clue to what he was compensating for.

    January 4, 2014
    • Ben, you and Jayson both make good points. I think your comment does a good job of rounding out his post. I agree with Jayson that our primary focus shouldn’t be on appearance and that we shouldn’t be pridefully showing off our wives. At the same time, our wives do need public affirmation of how great we think they are (in every area, not just looks).

      If a husband never compliments his wife in public, she’s not going to feel very appreciated. If he goes overboard (or if he uses her beauty as a source of personal pride), it’s going to cause other problems. As in most areas of life, moderation is key.

      January 4, 2014
      • No one suggested you should never compliment your wife in public.

        January 4, 2014
        • Chuck McKnight #

          I consider “my wife is hot” to be a pretty good compliment—one I have no problem using from time to time. 😉

          January 4, 2014
          • Context Chuck. If your going to drop that while you’re trying to give me spiritual instruction, I’m tuning you out.

            January 4, 2014
            • Chuck McKnight #

              I certainly agree with you there! But the title of the post seems to suggest that you think it’s an inappropriate comment at any time in public. Perhaps I misunderstood? Are you only referring to this comment from the pulpit?

              January 4, 2014
            • No, to be honest I don’t really need to know how desirable someone finds their wife. If it’s important for her for me to know, I guess that’s something I need to take into consideration. But I am extremely interested in her virtues that would apply to me. This post has been shared 4,000 times today, so it is resonating with some people. But you’re under no obligation to agree. As for the title, there’s a science to writing titles people will read. It’s often not about nuance. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

              January 4, 2014
            • Chuck McKnight #

              It doesn’t matter for her to know that you know. It does matter, however, for her to know not only that I think she is attractive, but that I am willing to say so publicly.

              Women are all different, so I can’t say whether this applies to all marriages, but for my wife such public affirmation is important.

              I don’t doubt that your post is resonating, as you’ve said some really good and important things here (that I agree with as well). Let’s just not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

              January 4, 2014
            • I think the baby would be public affirmation, the bathwater is the kind of public proclamation that focuses more on Eros than anything else.

              I don’t know where you assumed I was a proponent of tossing out the former.

              January 4, 2014
            • Chuck McKnight #

              And of course you’re under no obligation to agree with me either. 😉 But then I doubt you’d allow comments if you only wanted full agreement.

              January 4, 2014
            • Chuck McKnight #

              I think we’re talking past each other at this point. When I say that my wife is hot, I’m not “focus[ing] more on Eros than anything else.” It’s just a compliment that means I find her attractive in every way (certainly including but not limited to the physical).

              January 4, 2014
            • When I say focused on Eros, I am talking about the term “hot” which is much more about physical attractiveness and desirability than simple beauty. It is more akin to sexy. When I call my wife sexy or hot in public I am inviting others, whether it is my intention to or not, to size her up with that measurement. Words like lovely or beauty do not carry the same kind of baggage.

              Am I “afraid to publicly call my wife hot” like you said in your Facebook post? No, of course not, that’s silly. In fact, I probably have. But in very, very select circles. And if I am going to praise her publicly, I would much rather do so for something that isn’t so fleeting.

              But this whole discussion feels so silly to me, like we’re talking about children or cattle.

              January 4, 2014
      • I’m one of the people who shared this post, and I commented on it with my own thoughts and feelings on how the whole issue affected me when I was a young woman in the church hearing men say that on a regular basis. I’m also married, and as a married woman–the sort of person your argument is making presumptions upon that you (being a man) can never really know about–I can tell you that I feel no need to have my husband affirm my looks in public. He treats me well and gives me verbal affirmations in private, where they belong, because our personal relationship is none of anyone else’s business. Were he to ever speak in public, I would not feel any desire or need to have him climb up on stage and tell all those people about how he thinks I look; I’d rather he just say something like “I have been married to my wife, Carly, for [however many] years…” and move on. Nobody needs anything more than that. The thing is, words said in public belong to the public, so when a man gets on stage and says “my beautiful/smokin hot wife,” those words are not for her, but for the audience; if they truly are intended for her, then they need to be given to her alone and not to a bunch of other people.

        Besides, assuming that we womenfolk are all so insecure about our looks as to need our husbands to brag about us publicly, even to the detriment of others in the audience, is really gross if you think about it. And isn’t the church supposed to be discouraging vanity?

        In the future, I suggest that rather than getting defensive and putting words in the mouths of people whose perspectives you’ve never experienced, you take a note from Jayson and ask how people who have experienced that perspective feel about it. In this case, he has done that for you already, and the responses from us women who have had to sit through that sort of thing many times over has spoken quite clearly. What you do next is to listen, absorb those words, and make the changes necessary for the edification of the group, because it doesn’t matter if you or others don’t mean it to be hurtful–it still is, so just own up to it. Otherwise, you’re just playing the part of the child putting his fingers in his ears and screaming “lalalalala I can’t hear you!”

        January 5, 2014
        • Chuck McKnight #

          Okay, no need to resort to personal attacks. I’ve stated my opinion, and you’ve stated yours. We can disagree civilly without assuming the other is being childish. I’m not sure how you could think that you or any one else knows my wife better than I do, but so be it. I’m bowing out of this discussion, as I’ve no desire to let it consume any more of my weekend.

          Jayson, thank you for a well-written, thought-provoking post. I truly will reflect on what you’ve said.

          January 5, 2014
          • I don’t understand how my response was a personal attack, or how it was in any way uncivil. And I definitely didn’t think anyone, myself included, was saying anything about your wife. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I think you’ve misunderstood me.

            January 5, 2014
  14. Thank you so much for this. I tried calling this out back when I was still in the church, but was verbally attacked and scolded for being too much of an angry feminist, for trying to read sexism into everything, and for being too hard on guys who didn’t mean it that way in the first place. No one bothered to ask how such comments made me, as a female in the church, feel. I often felt as if such comments, including the nicer and more traditional “my beautiful wife,” reduced her to a trophy… and I didn’t want to be anyone’s trophy. It was also dreadful for my self-esteem and body image. Mostly, it spoke to me of a deep hypocrisy in Christianity–that even though “charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting,” and “I want women to adorn themselves with modest clothing, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather with good works,” and “the Lord does not look at man’s appearance, but at the heart,” yet somehow at the same time, ultimately, what mattered most about me was my appearance. It left me extremely confused and distraught for a very long time.

    I hope they’ll listen to you, as a man, more than they ever listened to me.

    January 4, 2014
    • Carly, thanks for your comment. I am sorry you felt that way, and even more sorry that society dictates that my words might carry more weight than yours.

      It seriously made me pause before hitting “publish.”

      January 4, 2014
    • Jessica Lumby #

      Oh Carly I hear you!!!

      January 5, 2014
  15. Jessica Lumby #

    SO TRUE!!!! Thank you for writing this!! I was a passionate woman in leadership with a healthy self-confidence and good looks, but the closer I got to the use by of “single and thirty” these sorts of comments began to erode my belief in myself and my ability to attract a mate. Though I knew it was untrue, I FELT undoubtedly that my only hope for marriage was my looks which were fading with every new wrinkle. I began grasping at my last shreds of youth and beauty just till I could make it down the aisle. Making matters worse is living in a secular world where women are told to be bold, proactive and to go for whatever they want but being ‘being of’ Christendom where women are told to be beautiful, wonderful and idle until someone notices us. It is so disempowering, but worse still it breeds competitiveness and vanity within the female congregation. Preachers who bang on about sexy wives without extolling intellect, kindness, compassion, creativity etc now earn me an hour of playing sudoku in church as I pretend to take notes. Such carnal focus only proves to me they are men of limited revelation.

    January 5, 2014
  16. Great points expressed here. I think this whole “smoking hot wife” thing basically says so many things that are wrong. First, as others have pointed out, it’s reducing a woman to her physical beauty. Second, it just tries too hard. Tries to hard to make it seem like “pure” Christian men can still notice “hotness.” . It also puts out a message of “See, look at me. My wife is good-looking AND a good, pure, Christian woman. ”

    January 5, 2014
  17. sm #

    I’ve heard it said and it doesn’t bother me. It’s a compliment to his wife. Why does everyone always have to look for the bad in what people say? Everyone is always trying to tear each other down. I can understand some of the arguments here, but let a man or woman compliment their spouse in front of other people without being ridiculed. We are too defensive.

    January 5, 2014
    • Come On Man #

      Couldn’t agree more!

      January 5, 2014
    • Why do you feel the need to brag about your super hot awesome wife? Is it so loser guys like me that don’t have a hot wife can feel even worse about themselves? While you are at it you can tell me how you have more friends than I do and a much nicer truck. Thanks a lot. I will now go to my job which is not as fun as yours so I can make less money than you do.

      January 6, 2014
  18. Come On Man #

    I think this article (and most of the responses) is an illustration and grand example of hypersensitivity and over criticalness of those standing in the pulpit. As a kid growing up in the church I’ve heard the rederick you referered to from my youth pastor and thought nothing of it (I actually looked up to their relationship and made me want to seek after a Godly woman myself). I didn’t think he had an erectile dysfunction (which was by far the most dim-witted comment thus far), dealing with deep seeded pride issues (who cares if he actually loves the Lord because he just committed the most unholy of sins), and is just an attention seeking whore (not like any Facebook poster or blogger with a comments section isn’t guilty of that).

    No the real issue in the church is not ‘hot wives’, but the hypersensitivity and over critical response by the body of Christ to the body of Christ. I could speak to your ‘pride issues’ of writing an article with no spiritual edification, but simple computer seat criticism searching for ‘likes’, ‘comments’, and ‘more followers’, but then again I don’t know your heart. Just as you don’t know my pastors heart. I may be speaking more to the comments on here, as you only spoke with arrogant judgment in one tweet and one paragraph, but that is what bothered me and led me to comment, not the disapproval of the pastors comments. Although I do believe we need to stop being so surprised and sensitive when we disagree with a pastors personality or speaking style. We are all different, that’s the way God made us!

    January 5, 2014
  19. The Bible continually reminds us to love and appreciate people for who they are, and not how they look. Its not just within a pastor’s personal life. If they are focused on their spouses because of how they look, doesn’t it lead to judging the rest of the congregation by outward appearances. I’m talking about developing a habit.

    January 5, 2014
  20. Mom of 3 and Wife of 14 years #

    Such a thought-provoking post! My first response was to agree whole-heartedly, but as I read the comments, I’ve changed my mind a bit. My husband is in youth ministry and I’ve lead with him in various ways over our 14 years of marriage as our family has grown and changed. I know he’s talked about me in public as his “hot wife,” and has also used other words such as beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, amazing, etc. He’s praised me in public for many character qualities, and usually uses whole-person descriptors to show his care for me. As one who struggled significantly with body image issues in the past (something my husband is fully aware of and engaged in my healing of this), and as a woman who is not everything the world lifts up as “hot”, I love knowing that my husband desires me and honestly does think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world! Our relationship is an example to many young people, not only what we post on facebook or twitter, but who get to see our lives up close and in action so our posts have a context. I want the young woman who we reach to see how a husband should treat his wife, including the fact that he should find her attractive in many ways, including physical. I used to hope that I could someday marry someone who would overlook my physical appearance, but I have been so blessed and the Lord brought such healing to my heart to have a husband who truly does find me attractive just the way I am. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for others to hear (as a part of the bigger picture) that my husband finds me truly physically attractive, even desirable, as I am.

    Thanks for giving me the chance to think through this important issue and to appreciate the way my husband treats me, as well as to realize how some words used in compliments might affect others!

    January 5, 2014
  21. I came into contact with this trend when I entered bible college 12 years ago. Any young guest speaker at chapel, worship band leaders, or guest musician would either mention their gorgeous wife, talk about their love at first sight moment, or show off a picture of them together. At the time it was conveyed as “Look how God has blessed me! He can do that for you too!” My hopeful self believed that it were true…if I could just lose weight and be as hot as those women. But I got jaded over time as I realized that male Christian leaders got first pick of the Christian ladies because women were drawn to their leadership and “godly” status. THAT’S why they had hot wives. And I feared that I, average as I was, would never get a chance with any good Christian man.

    January 6, 2014
  22. Kyle #

    Another type of post that concerns me is when I see husbands post pictures of their meals, home projects, etc. that their wife does and say something akin to “Look what my beautiful wife made for me! What a serving heart she has!” I never see posts about their spouse’s strength, intelligence, independence…. Is this because husbands are fearful of this? Intimidated by their power? Yes, wives should be caring and attentive to the needs of their families and have a servant’s heart, but can’t they be more than the family servant? Christ washed the feet of his disciples, but he also taught in front of large crowds, confronted those who were abusing the Bible’s laws, and so much more. If I’m made in God’s image, then appreciate and support all of my image of him, and not just the ones that directly serve you.

    January 6, 2014
    • It does my heart good to read these words from a man. Thank you!!

      January 13, 2014
  23. The topic at hand is using the “My wife is hot” statement in the middle of a message. I hear way too many pastors (mostly youth-pastors) use this statement as some sort of ice-breaker when it comes to their message. The reality is that this statement isn’t normally used to compliment ones wife, but instead let the congregation know the pastor is funny, loves his wife, and that you should check out how he married up. It’s an ill-thought statement that usually comes off extremely shallow.

    Love the post Jayson!

    January 6, 2014
  24. Rick #

    I think we have much bigger fish to fry in the church than this topic…waste of time and energy…or maybe your wife isn’t hot. 😉

    January 7, 2014
  25. And some are probably making a parody of the practice. 😉

    January 12, 2014
    • Oops, “Steve Scott” Gee, I make a typo on my own name.

      January 12, 2014
  26. There.

    January 12, 2014
  27. *applause*

    January 13, 2014
  28. Vince #

    Come home to the Catholic church and I promise you’ll never hear a preacher talk about his smokin hot wife again haha! Unless of course the priest is discussing how he’s married to the church, in which case I agree that his wife is tooootally beautiful!

    January 20, 2014
  29. J #

    I get the heart if this post and I agree. That said, i do think my wife is super attractive. Sometimes, last night for example, I posted a pic on Facebook of us, on date night, and I posted that she is hot. I also have written blog posts and tweets explaining how she has challenged me and teaches me and inspires me and is a great mom, etc. It is one aspect, but one I will share. I want to celebrate her complex beauty, which includes physical beauty. I don’t have to do it publicly, and maybe now that I know I am being perceived as just extolling my own virtues I will stop, but when I’m excited I wanna share sometimes. Not all of our intimate moments and discussions, but at least some awesome things about my wife (who may or may not be hot.)

    January 21, 2014
  30. J.R.Smith #

    If he’s using the term “smoking hot,” then he is using a more irreverent term, street terminology, terminology of the world. It’s not the type of terminology that should come out of a so-called pastor’s mouth in a public forum. If he wants to call her “smoking hot” in their room then MAYBE that would at least be more appropriate than saying it in public. We’re supposed to guard our tongue and use wise words in public. For one it’s not right to brag about your hot wife when some people out there may be single and lonely looking for a mate. So, you’re placing a stumbling block in front of them with your bragging and causing feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, loss of hope and such — but on the other hand it may motivate some people. However, it’s always wrong to go out searching for a hot wife just to brag about it on Facebook or feel up to par with everyone else or more special than everyone else. Wait for God’s timing and He’ll bring you together with the perfect person for you, “smoking hot” or not. And you shouldn’t brag about it. Because secondly, any pastor bragging in such a way using street terminology to do it is not very conscientious of his character, not humble, modest, or discreet, meek, very confident in himself and so forth. He’s not speaking of her virtuous character, but how hot of arm candy she is when they’re out living it up on a date. Well, God giveth and God taketh away, so be humble or it might disappear, especially if you’re claiming to be a pastor and showcasing your wife. Did any disciple in the Bible do that? No. But what did Abraham do because his wife Sarah was so fair to look up on? He said it was his sister to prevent jealousy against him. But this pastor is out boasting of his smoking hot wife. You might want to go Abraham’s route and not be showcasing what hot, basically sex toy you have, and be more discreet and Humble, especially as a pastor.

    February 3, 2014
  31. J.R.Smith #

    I am thinking too that using street vernacular like the word “dude” might also be perceived as inappropriate to come from a young evangelical and may perpetuate that whole type of speech as common. It’s a lot like a surfer or skater stereotype saying, “Dude, that chick is smoking hot!,” (as I’ve heard before), or something to that affect. So getting down to specifics, it’s important that we make sure we choose every word that we speak very prayerfully — for, it’s the words that come out of a man’s mouth that condemns him. So the better word to use in this situation, since you want vocal purity and speech perfection as Christ would have it, would be to say “Brother” instead of “Dude” — in order to perpetuate a sense that the old evangelical and protestant style of speech is still usable. We’ve become so used to this new type of speech these days because many of them are trying to “become all things to all people”, supposedly, in order to win the lost, but I think many are actually just straddling the fence, or are lukewarm — incorporating the ways of the world into their own lives. And I think we’re mostly just becoming more like the world. But maybe we’re just being refined.
    Now, given that saying “smoking hot wife” is different than saying “dude” because it generates different feelings and has two different connotations, they are both still, in my opinion, in the same speech geography and are coming from similar places. The one perpetuates the other in a sense. But there is a dictionary full of street words and terms that all go together, so I’m not just including those two phrases I’m only using it as the closest example relevant for this post. But back to the term, “smoking hot wife.” It can have the tendency to create in men and possibly women, sexual arousal, most prominently. So a pastor or just any layperson who speaks this comment to the public is facilitating the possibility that those types of feelings will be generated in his brethren. And by this he is, again, putting a stumbling in front of his brethren and creating the potential for temptation to arise in them, and possible lust towards his wife. And we all know what Jesus said about lusting after your neighbor’s wife and looking upon a woman with lust. So we know this type of action from any evangelical or pastor is incorrect and not edifying the congregation. He should, as I said, be pointing out her virtuous character in a humble way as edification to the other members of the congregation both male and female. The young and old in the congregation need to focus on inward virtues not outward appearances as the world does.

    February 4, 2014

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